Should men be banned from the delivery room?

This article is from a survey taken by The Royal College of Midwives (love that name!) in the UK. I know, it's trying to be inflammatory. Most of the article ("research") is anecdotal - meaning it's based on a few experiences and not on much actual reliable research - and isn't worth much. But it raises a good question.

I don't think men should be banned from the delivery room. I think, though, that it should be up to the couple to decide, and that men should face no social (or family) stigma if they determine that the man will not attend the birth.

The only problem with my theory: it's anecdotal. It's based on two experiences. OK, maybe three.

The first is my own. My husband, after being by my side throughout twenty hours during my first labor, didn't feel the need to be present for the second one.

I objected to this idea, until I attended a birth as a doula where the husband didn't want to be there at all. It was their third child. He sat in a chair and looked green for most of the labor, and during the delivery he was detached and sickly. I realized that he was not contributing anything, and if anything his reaction detracted from the loveliness of the atmosphere. To me birth is sacred, but if anyone in the room disagrees with that premise, the entire birth team is affected. He wanted to stay at home, and he probably should have.

My husband did attend the birth of our second child, and I am glad he did. Though after that doula experience I didn't think that his presence was required, I felt more supported by him than anyone else, whereas at the first birth I wasn't able to really distinguish one person's support from another's.

But if he truly had not wanted to be there, I would not have demanded it of him.

In another birth situation I witnessed as a doula, the husband watched TV the entire time. His wife, rendered speechless by the strength of her contractions, reached for his hand but he didn't notice. This went on for a few hours.

"Birth is a fundamentally female event." It is difficult to argue with that statement.

If men are required by their women or by society to be there during labor and delivery, well, why should that be the case? What benefit does it give to women if the man is not going to be supportive? Certainly if he's going to turn green and wish the entire time that he didn't have to be there, it would be better to let him be somewhere else.

"A woman who says she prefers not having her partner in the delivery room is doing so to protect him, because she thinks he can't handle it. Why oh why do women keep on treating men like children? And why oh why do men keep on acting as if they were?"

Not all men are the same. Some can handle nearly anything, while others get nauseous by the sounds and smells of childbirth.

"Conception, reception - if you're there for one, you should be there for the other."

Not so! Bad logic! Bad! That's the "you-did-this-to-me-and-you-must-be-made-to-suffer" mindset.

"I think men should be allowed in the delivery room if they want to be - it is an experience not to be missed: very emotional. Unlike watching it on film, you don't tend to notice the blood and mess when it is actually happning before your eyes. However I do think they should stay in a corner out of the way and should not be made to feel guilty if they change their mind and want to go out. The best person to be present is a woman who has been through it.

The best place for a man is actually right outside the door within earshot. That way they don't get in the way but will still know how much the woman has gone through and will be more sympathetic afterwards.

I had my first in hospital and my husband was at home. He expected me to be up and about and cooking the meals immediately afterwards. I had my second at home and he heard everything despite not being in the room and he looked after me better."

First of all, it is a very different experience to watch someone give birth and to give birth yourself. When you are delivering a baby, you don't notice the blood and mess, but when you are watching another person, you certainly do, along with all the smells and unusual sights. That is one of the main objections that the husband of my client had: birth is gross. Sometimes it is. If the man wants to be involved, he should be, and not "put in a corner" to stay out of the way. I doubt there is ever reason to worry about giving too much support to a laboring woman.

"The best person to be present is a woman who has been through it." Amen, amen.

I didn't agree with having men hear the labor so they can understand what their women are going through, but based on her experience, it sounds like it was a good thing. Each man is different. I think that most wouldn't assume that women are exaggerating about the ordeal of birth, but maybe I'm wrong about that. It is work. Sometimes it is very painful. And women tend to want all the sympathy they can get.

And that right there is why men should not ever be banned from the delivery room.